For a long time, I’ve tried my hardest to build friendships and relationships. I’ve completely failed every time. I think the main reason is that most of the time I force myself to care. Or I react how I think I should. To be honest, I believe that I completely distanced myself from people, in general, a long time ago. I’m talking elementary days.
No sob story intended. I’m just cut from a different cloth. I’ve always had a hard time dealing with people. I’m also extremely logical. So it wouldn’t be hard for me to assess my own interaction with others. Then respond accordingly.
For the longest time, I just wanted to be a part of everyone else. No matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried, it just didn’t seem like anyone wanted me to be involved. I fit nowhere, and with no one but myself.
I spent years trying to force myself to give a fuck. I did this with the purpose of building connections. Whether it was platonic, or romantic. Of course, it didn’t work. Why do you ask? Well mainly because I had no fucks to give. Building connections are really hard when you don’t care. I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend very well.
I’m gonna give two quick examples. Both will be my failed attempts in the land of romance.
There was this guy that I liked a lot. It’s rare that I have a passionate connection with anyone. He had everything I knew I wanted in a man. In fact, I told my mom he’d probably be the guy I marry. Did I think I loved him? No. Not at all. Did I think I could come to love him? Yes. Did it work? No. Was I completely disappointed? No. Did I try to make myself feel completely disappointed? Yes. Disappointed that I didn’t love him as I wanted. Disappointed that I wasn’t truly hurt when it ended. No true hurt or disappointment was there. I just honestly felt a lot of nothing when I really thought about it.
The second example is this guy that I was off and on with for like three yrs. Three years! Three years and he could honestly say he loved me. I could not. Mainly because I didn’t love him. He was simply a good prospect. I wanted to love him, I really did. I wanted to give a fuck. In fact, I once told him to leave me alone because I could not reciprocate his feelings. He was persistent though. I had to block him for both of our sakes. I kept trying to make it work because I wanted to feel something. On his end, dude just didn’t want to throw the towel in.
There are two people on this planet that I can say for sure that I love because I want to. I feel no obligation to love them. That is my mom and godmother. Anyone else I try really hard. I really do. I honestly think that maybe I’m not capable. There’s so much more detail I’d like to go into. But…this is as dark as I’ll allow myself to get right now.
P.S. this picture below is a preview of what’s to come.
Picture found on google from a website titled wired.com. Attached to an article written by Joshua Sokol