When I Care. When I Feel. It’s Never Real

For a long time, I’ve tried my hardest to build friendships and relationships. I’ve completely failed every time. I think the main reason is that most of the time I force myself to care. Or I react how I think I should. To be honest, I believe that I completely distanced myself from people, in general, a long time ago. I’m talking elementary days.

No sob story intended. I’m just cut from a different cloth. I’ve always had a hard time dealing with people. I’m also extremely logical. So it wouldn’t be hard for me to assess my own interaction with others. Then respond accordingly.

For the longest time, I just wanted to be a part of everyone else. No matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried, it just didn’t seem like anyone wanted me to be involved. I fit nowhere, and with no one but myself.

I spent years trying to force myself to give a fuck. I did this with the purpose of building connections. Whether it was platonic, or romantic. Of course, it didn’t work. Why do you ask? Well mainly because I had no fucks to give. Building connections are really hard when you don’t care. I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend very well.

I’m gonna give two quick examples. Both will be my failed attempts in the land of romance.

There was this guy that I liked a lot. It’s rare that I have a passionate connection with anyone. He had everything I knew I wanted in a man. In fact, I told my mom he’d probably be the guy I marry. Did I think I loved him? No. Not at all. Did I think I could come to love him? Yes. Did it work? No. Was I completely disappointed? No. Did I try to make myself feel completely disappointed? Yes. Disappointed that I didn’t love him as I wanted. Disappointed that I wasn’t truly hurt when it ended. No true hurt or disappointment was there. I just honestly felt a lot of nothing when I really thought about it.

The second example is this guy that I was off and on with for like three yrs. Three years! Three years and he could honestly say he loved me. I could not. Mainly because I didn’t love him. He was simply a good prospect. I wanted to love him, I really did. I wanted to give a fuck. In fact, I once told him to leave me alone because I could not reciprocate his feelings. He was persistent though. I had to block him for both of our sakes. I kept trying to make it work because I wanted to feel something. On his end, dude just didn’t want to throw the towel in.

There are two people on this planet that I can say for sure that I love because I want to. I feel no obligation to love them. That is my mom and godmother. Anyone else I try really hard. I really do. I honestly think that maybe I’m not capable. There’s so much more detail I’d like to go into. But…this is as dark as I’ll allow myself to get right now.

❄️Iceberg LoOp❄️

P.S. this picture below is a preview of what’s to come.

Picture found on google from a website titled wired.com. Attached to an article written by Joshua Sokol