Abandon Ship?

Abandon Ship?…

I feel that when you create another life you’re responsible for that life. It’s your responsibility to think about not only how you will financially take care of said life, but also what traits, or habits that you will pass on to the life that you create. I personally don’t feel that my traits, or habits should be passed on to anyone. Not to say any child that I’d have would turn out just like me, but it’s almost impossible not to inherit some of my traits. Whether it’s nature, or nurture it’s bound to happen. There’s just not enough good in me to risk it. 

There is no denying who I am. I will always be honest with myself.

Something I don’t understand is why anyone would choose to pass on generational curses. Why would you choose to witness what happened to you, and your line over, and over again, hoping that there will be one person that breaks the cycle. The need to reproduce can not be that high.

Why should broken people make more broken people…that make more broken people.

Beyond generational curses. There are certain things I don’t think I should have. More importantly, there are certain things I know I don’t deserve. I’m just not a good person. There’s nothing good in me. Even others pick up on it. I couldn’t tell you what it is. What I do know is that I don’t want to pass it on. I can break myself all the way down to the core, and no matter how much I desire to be different, the hard fact is, I’m not.  

I’m thankful for the power of self analyzation. Thankful that I was taught to know myself. I would hate to live in denial.

Anyway…To sum it all up. I feel that if the bad in you outweighs the good, chances are you’ll pass on similar traits to any life that you create. Again… I am not a kind hearted person. I do not do things out of the goodness of my heart. Even if it looks like it, give it time. You’ll find something that will later benefit me. I don’t tend to have sympathy for others, even though I’ve tried hard to care. I have a cruel, and cold sense of logic. No matter what romantic relationship I’ve been in I care until I don’t. I have no particular friends that I love, or feel deeply about. Outside of the person that gave birth to me, I don’t think I’m capable of love. I’m eternally grateful for the integrity she instilled in me from day one, that’s not an exaggeration. A person like me needed that nurture to counter my nature. 

I don’t deserve any happiness that creating another life would bring. I know I’m probably going to die alone, and I’m okay with that. Mainly because I understand that the best way to stop my generational curses is for me to not create another generation.

When I was 18 yrs old I geared up, and set out on a journey to find, build, and create the family life that I wanted. At the age of 26, I have decided to abandon ship… I wonder if that makes me a coward.


P.S. Afterthought. I don’t like the thought of being a coward… Fuck that I’ll sink with my ship, thank YOU very much. I don’t know what that means right now, I do know that I really want to care. I know it’s not a renewed sense of hope, but I’m not the type to abandon my ship. Maybe I’ll reroute it till I sink with it. All ships sink eventually… Honestly I want to go out like Cutler Beckett.



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That LoOpy Chick

I’m a 27 yr old woman from the Midwest. This site is a documentation of my crazy and all that it entails. Whether it’s me fighting myself, thinking out loud, or the “Grand Epiphanies” that I have every other week, it will probably be posted here. Why would I post all of it? Because it’s fun and I like it!

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