Still Ain’t Forgave Myself

How can you forgive others if you haven’t forgiven yourself?…

– Someone smart

I have never forgiven anyone. Literally not one person. Why would I give other people a luxury that I have not given myself? How could I? It doesn’t even make sense. I’m not bragging. Being incapable of forgiveness isn’t something anyone should brag about. I’m just thinking, and expressing my thoughts.

This won’t end in a motivational way where I say something positive like,

“I forgive everyone who has ever wronged me, and most importantly I forgive me, so that I can heal”

That’s just not how my mind works. I’m not gonna claim to be on a journey of forgiveness. I prefer not to lie, especially to myself. Honestly if I haven’t forgiven a person, chances are I’m not thinking about that person. Like 8/10 times that person doesn’t even exist for me. That person has no influence on my behavior… well none that I know of. The subconscious can be a powerful beast, but the power of the subconscious can be a post for another time.

Anyway …

The hard part comes into play when I don’t forgive myself. I can’t just pretend that I don’t exist. There is no escaping me. I have to sit, and listen to one side of myself talk about how ignorant the other side is. Do you know how crazy I sound ?!?

You remember when this dumb chick did that dumb stuff

– The Nag

So…you just not ever gonna let that stuff go?

– The Mess Up

It’s insane.

I’d say the most embarrassing part of my mess up is that I know better, and I mess up anyway. I KNOW BETTER, and I do the stuff anyway! Why?!?

I’ll tell you why! In the moment I don’t care about the consequences. I accept whatever they will be pre-mess up. Meaning I think it through before I say to heck with it. I throw caution to the wind, and embrace the consequences that I know are coming. I’m honestly not sure I could ever forgive myself for some of the things that I’ve done to ME, simply because in that moment I did not care.

It’s a never ending war between Ignorant Present me, and Wiser Future me. For some reason neither of them ever seem to win. It’s enough to make you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I try to tell people that I’m not sane. That I’m completely unhinged, but no one ever believes me. Ehhh.. well at least they’ve been warned.

When someone tells you who they are believe them.

– Someone Smart

Make choices today that Future you will appreciate.

– My mom 😅

This all stemmed from me listening to

“ Still Ain’t Forgave Myself “ by T.I.

Thanks for reading thoughts from my insane brain.

~ ThatLoOpyChick ~

P.S. I don’t own any images in this post.

Published by

That LoOpy Chick

I’m a 27 yr old woman from the Midwest. This site is a documentation of my crazy and all that it entails. Whether it’s me fighting myself, thinking out loud, or the “Grand Epiphanies” that I have every other week, it will probably be posted here. Why would I post all of it? Because it’s fun and I like it!

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